


The Day Things Get That Bad

by Aria_Lerendeair



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec deals with a mission gone wrong, Canon-Typical Violence, Cuddling, Dealing with battle fallout, Death of shadowhunters not in the series, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus being strong for Alec, Magnus is Alec's rock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-18 17:01:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21280160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aria_Lerendeair/pseuds/Aria_Lerendeair
Summary: Alec made a promise to Magnus - that he would let his boyfriend know if things ever got that bad, especially after he nearly walked off a roof.  The day things do get that bad, Alec reaches out.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 26
Kudos: 380





	The Day Things Get That Bad

**Author's Note:**

> Part of my NaNoWriMo project this year is going back and finishing fics I've had in half-finished states for a long time, and this is the first one that I finished! 
> 
> Important Note: While there are no graphic depictions of violence, Alec is dealing with PTSD from the battle, and there are descriptions of that. As this is canon-typical, I tagged for it, but wanted to make sure that was clear in the notes. Upped the rating, perhaps unnecessarily so, but I wanted to er on the side of caution.

The loft was dark when Alec finally managed to stumble home, his whole body aching, the barely healed cuts on his legs and side still burning with every step. But it was better than… 

  
Alec shook his head, clenching his eyes shut, forcing himself to breathe. He could still hear the screams in the back of his mind and he shook his head harder, limping towards the shower. His body and mind were burning with the urge to push, to train, to make sure this would never happen again. 

  
But it would. 

  
They were shadowhunters. Death was an inevitability for them, for their life. He knew that. They all knew that. So he signed the cremation orders. The order to ship the ashes to the City of Bones. He’d written the letters to their families, their closest relatives, signed them, and had tried to hold it together. 

  
Alec focused on the loft in front of him and forced himself to breathe, heading for the shower, stripping off his clothing that reeked of blood and ichor. He’d have to destroy them. The squeal of the shower coming to life was enough to remind him of the dark sewers again, the screams, the seraph blades that had gone dark under the onslaught they hadn’t been prepared for. 

  
Alec punched the wall of the shower in front of him, the ceramic cracking under the force as he clenched his eyes shut and tried to keep breathing, letting the scalding hot water rinse away the blood still clinging to him. 

  
It wasn’t his fault. 

  
Izzy had said that, the gash above her eye still bleeding sluggishly. 

  
Jace had said it too, even as he settled into the infirmary bed, with broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, and four broken fingers.

  
_It was a lie. _

  
Meant to make him feel better about the four shadowhunters who were dead. The four cremation orders he’d signed, the four shipment orders he’d signed, and the four fire messages he’d written with a hand he had barely managed to keep steady. 

  
He could see McConniel, ordering them to run while they still could. Had heard his scream after they’d obeyed the order. Alec swallowed down the bile in his throat and tried to breathe. The water was clear now. He fumbled with the handle of the shower, yanking it off and forced himself into movement again, finding clothing, gathering his discarded clothes, shoving them into a bag for disposal later. As an afterthought, his phone was shoved into his pocket. When it was done, he was alone, and the loft was quiet. 

  
Magnus wasn’t due home for hours yet, visiting a client in Germany. 

  
Alec stared at the balcony and pushed open the door, letting the cool breeze hit his face as he walked towards the edge, putting both of his hands on the railing, trying to breathe. The sting of the cool air helped, as did the ache of the gashes on him. He’d need to apply more Iratze’s before Magnus was home. He’d worry. 

  
A small sob worked its way up and out of his throat, making him shake. That was all he had thought about after Jace and Izzy were out. Getting home to Magnus. Saving his own skin while, while… 

  
The screams echoed in his mind again, the flash of the seraph blades going dark and he pushed himself away from the railing, his chest heaving as he tried to breathe, sinking into one of the chairs on the balcony as he started to shake. He should be training, getting better, or double and triple checking all of their intelligence so this didn’t happen again. 

  
He couldn’t let this happen again, he couldn’t, he _couldn’t_. He was better than this, he knew better, he could be better. He just had to work harder, had to, had to-

  
A clatter broke him out of his thoughts and he looked down at his phone, now on the ground. Magnus was calling. Alec tightened his hand into a fist, he didn’t deserve Magnus, shouldn’t even be here, should be, should be back at the Institute, not hiding here. He glanced away from the phone and towards the skyline. 

_  
Just promise me you’ll tell me if things ever get that bad? _

  
Alec swallowed, staring at the railing. He hadn’t promised, but he’d said yes, he’d nodded, agreed to it. He glanced down at his phone, now sporting a text message from Magnus as well as a missed call. He bit down on his lip and thumbed it open, pressing on the call button, curling back into the chair. He clenched his hands into fists. 

_  
Just promise me_

_  
Just promise_

  
He should be better than this. He was stronger than this. Better than this. They all deserved better, Izzy, Jace, Max, Magnus, _especially_ Magnus. They deserved someone who could protect them properly, not someone who ran away and- 

  
“Alexander?” 

  
Alec sucked in a small, desperate breath of air and tried to speak, tried to say something, anything, but his tongue felt fuzzy and too big. 

  
“Alec, are you there?” Magnus asked, sitting up in worry. 

  
Alec swallowed again, trying to focus, trying to breathe, but it was hard, fuck, why was it so hard? He clenched his eyes shut and tried to make his mouth form the words he needed. He was weak, he should be stronger, he needed to be stronger, but, but…he’d _promised_… 

  
“Alec, answer me,” Magnus ordered. “Where are you?” 

  
“_Home_,” Alec breathed out. He’d made it home. He’d made it home, even when four others hadn’t, he’d abandoned them, he’d let them die, they’d died because of him, it was all his fault, and how was he ever going to make it up to all of them- 

  
“Alec, Alexander!” Magnus shouted, dashing out of the portal he’d conjured, looking around the dark loft frantically. “Alec!” 

  
Alec curled up, his phone falling away from him to clatter onto the floor again. Now he’d pulled Magnus away from work, because he was so pathetic. He should never have called him, he should be strong enough to do this on his own. 

  
It was the light of Alec’s phone that caught his attention as he ran towards the bedroom, and Magnus felt his heart jump into his throat, bursting out onto the balcony, but a frantic sweep of the railing didn’t show anyone. He moved, slamming into the railing, magic surging around him, prepared to reach, to catch, to _move_ faster than he had ever done-

  
“’agnus.” 

  
The sound of his name is half-slurred, half-sobbed came from behind him, and Magnus had never been more relieved to see Alec in his life. In two strides he was kneeling next to Alec, one hand on his arm, and the other cupping his face. “I’m here, I’m here, my darling, it’s okay.” 

  
Alec forced his eyes open, staring at Magnus, how worried he was. All he was good for was making others worry. “Promised you,” he managed, reaching out to tangle his fingers into Magnus’ shirt, leaning into his hand, closing his eyes again. 

  
“Promised me?” Magnus asked, moving a little closer, his eyes tracing over Alec’s body, looking for any visible injuries, healing the ones that caught his eye, easing the wounds from a clear battle earlier. “What did you promise, Alexander?” 

  
Alec swallowed, his heart pounding. He was weak, he was so _weak_, he needed to be stronger than this. He could say it, he could. “If it got this bad. Promised to, to tell you,” he forced the words out, pressing his face into Magnus’ palm, hating himself for how much it felt like he needed this. “’m sorry.” 

  
Magnus sucked in a hard breath, his eyes widening as he realized what this was. “Shhh, oh love, don’t apologize. Not for this,” Magnus whispered to him, leaning in to press gentle kisses to Alec’s face, holding him the best he could until it was evident that they needed to move. 

  
“Hold on,” Magnus said, keeping his voice soft and gentle. “We’re going to move inside, Alexander.” Shifting off of his knees, he crouched and leaned in, bracing his arms behind Alec’s shoulders and under his knees, lifting the shadowhunter with a small grunt of effort. 

  
“Magnus!” Alec protested, his eyes wide. “I can, I can walk!” How weak was he that Magnus had to carry him, had to take care of him like this, like he was a little child? He was weak, he’d never be good enough, how dare he be the Head of the Institute, how dare he pretend that he was enough for any of this, for any of them? 

  
“Just because you can, doesn’t mean you have to,” Magnus told him, bringing Alec to the bedroom. He could tell that Alec had showered, at the least, but whatever had happened had been bad. He gently put Alec down on the bed, snapping away his own clothes and makeup before he got them both under the covers, tugging Alec into his arms. 

  
Alec hiccuped on a sob, pressing his face against Magnus’ chest, trying to breathe as it all came tumbling out of him in a rush. “I don’t…can’t…should have saved them. I tried, I _tried_ so hard, but it wasn’t enough, and McConniel told me to go, and I wanted to see you again, to keep Izzy and Jace safe, so I left, I left them, and…” 

  
Magnus slowly rubbed his hand up and down Alec’s back, listening to the words escape, putting together the picture of what must have happened. “It’s okay, it’s okay, I know you did everything you could.” 

  
“Should have tried harder, should have done more, intelligence was bad and…” Alexander took a breath, exhaling shakily, clinging to Magnus. “I should be training. I have to be better. I have to get better, protect you, Izzy, Jace, Max, Mom.” 

  
Magnus hummed. “And who is going to protect you, Alexander?” he asked, his voice soft as he reached up, combing his fingers through Alec’s hair. “Who protects the protector, dear angel?” 

  
Alec frowned and shook his head. “I don’t matter. It’s my job to make sure everyone is safe.” 

  
Even though he’d known, he’d known how little Alec thought of himself, to hear it stated so plainly, so obviously, as though it was a simple fact of the universe, it broke his heart. Magnus took a deep breath and held Alec tighter, trying to find the right words for him. 

  
“You do matter, Alexander,” he corrected softly. “You matter to _me. _You always matter to me. You’re the most important person in my life.” Magnus took a deep breath and shifted, moving his hand so he could make Alec look at him, tears clinging to his lashes as their eyes met. 

  
Alec swallowed, staring at Magnus. “You’re my most important person,” he whispered. “I wanted to come home safe to you. So I ran when I was told. I should have, should have _stayed_…” 

  
Magnus took a deep breath and sent a prayer of thanks to the Shadowhunters who had saved Alec’s life and let him come home. “If leaving when you did is the reason you’re home safe tonight, Alexander, you made the right choice. If you could have gotten the others out, you would have.” 

  
“But-” 

  
Magnus leaned in and kissed Alec softly, interrupting his protest. “No. Listen to me, darling. You cannot torture yourself like this. It will eat you alive.” 

  
Alec sighed, closing his eyes, burrowing in closer to Magnus again. “I want to believe you,” he admitted, his voice soft. “But I should have-” 

  
“Alexander,” Magnus interrupted again. “You have a dangerous, and sometimes awful job. It is filled with death, loss, and demons. It is truly horrible most days. Worse still, you are the leader of those with this job, and you are the one they look to to remain strong, even in the face of tragedy.” 

  
Alec swallowed and nodded against Magnus’ chest, breathing out slowly. Sometimes it was so impossibly hard to be strong for everyone else, when he just wanted to fall apart and cry. But he couldn’t do that, he had to be strong, it was his job.

  
Magnus reached out and combed his fingers through Alec’s hair, holding him close. “Then let me be strong for you, my Alexander. Let me be the one to help piece you back together, and hold you when you cry.” 

  
Alec sucked in a hard breath and tightened his arm around Magnus, holding him in close, trying to breathe through the pain. “I don’t…you shouldn’t-” 

  
“Alec,” Magnus interrupted. “You did everything you could. _Everything_.” He pressed a soft kiss to Alec’s hair and held him close. “Soldiers will always die, my love. You can do your best to protect them, you can make sure they have the best intelligence there is. They will still die.” 

  
Alec didn’t say anything, he couldn’t. He knew it was true, but that didn’t make the reality any better. The last time he’d come this close to falling apart had been the massacre of the Soul Sword and he hadn’t had time to process any of the grief as they raced to beat Valentine. 

  
Magnus took a deep breath and forced himself to continue. “There is no shame in wanting to come home, Alexander. In, in wanting to live. Yes, you lost people today, and that is a horrific thing.” 

  
Alec bit down on his lip, letting Magnus’ words wash over him, closing his eyes, trying to absorb them. 

  
“But having something to live for? Having a reason to not throw your life away fighting a losing battle? That is a wonderful thing.” 

  
It was still a failure. A significant one. The entire Institute was mourning, and here he was, unable to deal with the deaths himself. How was he going to help others process this? “I, I can’t…” Alec swallowed. 

  
Magnus shifted just enough so he could look Alexander in the eye, reaching up to cup his jaw in his palm. “Tell me what is specifically bothering you, darling. Because this is more than just grief. This is guilt.” 

  
Hearing Magnus pierce the core of the issue made the ache intensify and Alec closed his eyes, breathing hard. McConniel’s last shout, ordering him to run, echoed in his mind. “I ran.” 

  
“You were outgunned and outnumbered, Alexander. Running meant living,” Magnus said, leaning in to press their foreheads together. “Why are you guilty about living?” 

  
“McConniel,” Alec choked out. “He ordered me to run. Then I saw, I heard him…” he trailed off, shaking his head hard. “I shouldn’t have let him-” 

  
“Would you have done the same?” Magnus interrupted, staring at Alexander, willing him to listen, to understand. “If you had been in his position, would you have given the same order?” 

  
Alec was silent for a long time. He forced himself to breathe out, slowly before he nodded. “He, he was in too deep. They got overwhelmed scouting ahead. If, if it had been me. I would have done what he did. Exactly what he did.” 

  
Magnus reached out and combed his fingers through Alec’s hair. “Would you have wanted him to feel guilty over his decision to run?” 

  
Alec sighed again. “No. I would, I would have wanted him to try to move past it. We’re soldiers, and sometimes soldiers die.” 

  
“They do,” Magnus agreed, his voice soft. “But may I tell you something experience has taught me, Alexander?” 

  
Alec nodded, closing his eyes as he leaned into Magnus, breathing with him, slow and steady. 

  
“The day the death of the men and women under your charge no longer impacts you like this is the day that you are no longer fit to lead,” Magnus explained. He felt Alec make a noise against him and went on. 

  
“When people become a number, or when people become a means to an end, rather than people - you’ve lost sight of what makes a leader,” Magnus whispered. “It happened to your mother. You watched her do it.” He took a small breath. “Allowing yourself to be effected, to grieve with your people, Alexander, it shows your strength, not your weakness.” 

  
Alec didn’t say anything, but his trembling had stopped, so Magnus counted it as a small success. 

  
“I know you need to be strong for your people, Alexander,” Magnus whispered. “I know that’s what’s expected of an Institute Head.” 

  
Alec nodded. 

  
“So let me be strong for you, my darling,” Magnus whispered. “Here, put down the burden, and let me carry it for a while. I promise I’m strong enough.” 

  
Alec managed a small smile. “You’re the strongest person I know, Magnus.” 

  
“Well now you’re just stroking my ego,” Magnus teased. 

  
“Nah,” Alec whispered, tightening his hold on Magnus. “Just the truth. Anyone who meets you knows it.” 

  
Magnus smiled faintly and resumed his gentle rubbing of Alec’s back. “Sleep, love. I’ll guard your dreams tonight.” 

  
Alec breathed out, the ache in his chest easing for the first time in hours. “Thank you.” 

  
“Thank you for coming to me when you needed it, Alec,” Magnus whispered back. “True strength is knowing when you need to lean on others.” 

  
Alec nodded and swallowed. “I…might need to lean. For a little while.” 

  
Magnus breathed out slowly, tightening his arms around Alec. “Lean on me all you need. I’ll be here.” 

  
“Love you,” Alec slurred, his eyes starting to drift shut. 

  
“I love you too,” Magnus whispered. He kept vigil over Alexander, soothing him when his dreams got restless, until he finally fell into a deeper sleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Criticisms welcome!
> 
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> 
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> 
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